Jenna the astrologer tries to sell me her “reiki grid”

 

It’s quite a lot of fun to subscribe to an astrologer’s newsletter, to see how far they will go to sell you their particular brand of bullshit.

A while ago I subscribed to Jenna, at aboutastro.com. Naturally, she was SO PLEASED I contacted her, because she could instantly feel a strong connection to me. (The connection is so strong she doesn’t realise I’ve given her a false name, address and date of birth!)

Of course, “Jenna” is not a real person, just a name given to a marketing ploy. My responses to her “amazing” predictions about my future and assumptions about my life (ie “You’re a DAMN FRAUD, Jenna!”) were countered by “It’s so nice to hear from you Dear, I would love to help you but I need you to pay me first.”

So, I gave up trying to get a reaction and just allowed “her” to continue sending me emails, to see how silly it would get….. I was not disappointed 🙂

On May 10th I received another long, friendly, and very personal e-mail, telling me how wonderful I am, and how close she feels to me, how focussed she is on me, how she will always be at my service and be my very best friend.

AND, because she loves me so much (or at least, the person I’m pretending to be), she has made a very special Crystalline Reiki Grid for me. In her own words:

I want you to know that all of my attention and my vigilance is focused on you and I will always be at your service. I will not hesitate to tell you if a certain change or significant event is set to occur in your personal astrological configuration. Cherise, you can fully count upon my devotion. I will be here for you and I will be your friend and your astrologer.

I really wanted to produce a ‘Crystalline Reiki Grid’ for you, a grid which comes from a very ancient technique which I have now been using for a number of years with a great deal of success. I began this work very recently. This work aims at producing a very beneficial and positive magnetic influence and brings protection, chance and opportunity to the focus of of it’s energy through the interaction of a range of powerful precious stones. There is no magic or sorcery in all of this. We now know that magnetism exists as it has been proved by scientific techniques and it is certain that this energetic field can have extremely beneficial effects. The technique of the grid has existed for thousands of years and is extremely efficient. To give you a little more idea about what this means, the Grid is a way of arranging stones in a sacred geometric pattern. What is great about the Grid is that this pattern is then activated by a connection with a ‘line of light’ through the stones so that they radiate an energy field which then reaches out to the person the grid is destined for. I normally offer this work to those of my correspondents which I feel closest to and to those I want to bring very strong positive energy. Today Cherise this means you. To make this grid work properly for you and so that you get the best out of it’s influence, all you need to do is to concentrate on the photo which I have attached to this email. The grid will then be ‘activated’.

And here is the Grid:

I can see some quartz, and some other bits of rock, one or two of which may be ferrous, and therefore magnetic, placed around a two-coloured crayon pattern drawn with a compass. The note on the right refers to energy (always a dead give-away they don’t have a f*cking clue what they’re talking about), colour frequencies, vitality, balance and, of course, CHAKRAS!

The “line of sight” through the stones is supposed to generate the “magnetic energy field” that’s going to reach out and change my life when I concentrate on this accumulation of Scratch Patch left-overs. Really? How does that work EXACTLY?

I keep looking at it, but nothing is happening. Why not? Because some guy’s hastily assembled, badly photographed, badly written bit of woo is not going to convince any rational person of its magical powers, that’s why not!

Are there really people who buy into this utter crap? How crazy do you have to be to think there is some method a handful of common stones arranged on a kid’s drawing can generate an “energy field”? And then, assuming that “energy field” is activated and streaming at you from your PC or iPad’s screen, how exactly does it vitalise, balance and energise your chakras – which are themselves a load of self-delusional bullshit?

Just for the record, for those who aren’t already aware of the basic facts of reality and live in some fuzzy world where placebos rule their lives:

  • bits of stones do not generate energy fields, unless they are magnetic or radioactive
  • a magnetic field around a piece of iron is of very limited size (unless it’s a HUGE magnet) and such a field cannot and will not radiate out and change your life
  • there’s no such thing as a sacred grid. The above is a simple geometric drawing a 6-year-old could do without any difficulty. The “sacredness” is in the head of the humans who invented it.
  • staring at this picture may relax you, take your mind off your troubles for a while, even make you feel good if you are that way inclined. It will NOT change your environment or your life – you have to do that for yourself.
  • chakras are not real.

The bottom line, once again, is you should not be taken in by people claiming to be able to help you change your life with astrology, chakra-healing, reiki-healing, aura-healing or any other “alternative” ideology. They count on people’s hopes and dashed dreams to make themselves a nice little profit out of your gullibility.

Your life will only change, if you need it to, when you take control and make the changes happen for yourself.

 

I would like to repeat something I wrote in my post about Auras:

Try living each day as though it might be your last and ENJOY IT!  Love deeply and strongly; appreciate the kindness you receive, and give as much as you can in return; learn about the real world so you can understand why things happen – and tackle your problems head-on, instead of cowering behind irrationality;  be compassionate towards your fellow Earthlings – human and animal. Most of all – LOVE YOURSELF! Appreciate yourself, you are actually a Good Person :-)

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Atlantean Power Crystals

A few days ago, I received an email from a local store which sells Atlantean Power Crystals. (They were also selling their beat-up old car and looking for a home for their equally beat-up old cat.)

The email asked if I was a Past-Life Atlantean, and if so, my Atlantean Crystal was calling me to come and collect (buy) it. My crystal and I would continue our special relationship – I had already programmed it in my previous life on Atlantis. I should keep it with me at all times and talk to it as I would to my plants. If I had to take it off for any reason I was to lay it carefully on a little pink satin cushion underneath some sort of paper re-charging pyramid. My crystal will guide me through the coming worldwide 2012 change of consciousness. It possesses a special energy that will heal me and protect me.

That sounds certifiably insane!

I immediately banged out an email to the lady selling these marvellous crystals, with a couple of questions: where do the crystals come from? How will I know which is the one I programmed myself back in Atlantis? Tell me all about the coming change of consciousness? How does crystal healing work?

The lady’s response was not encouraging – she wanted my phone number, so she could phone me to discuss my questions. Well, I certainly didn’t want to have a conversation with this nut-job, so I responded that I was uncertain about the feelings I was having about the crystals and I didn’t feel I was ready to talk just yet. Could she not just give me some information, so I could mull it over?

Of course, there’s no way she was going to commit her madness to paper – so I had to leave it at that.

Reluctantly, I turned to the internet to find out more…

Atlantis was a mythical land which Plato wrote about in 360 BCE in “Timaeus” and “Critias.” He claimed it was a land that lay beyond the “Pillars of Hercules” (often taken to mean it lay in the Atlantic Ocean, to the west of Africa) and sank into the ocean in a “single day and night of misfortune.”  Few people took the story seriously until modern times, when it became a symbol for all great lost civilisations. Plato describes Atlanteans as a military nation, but they have come to be viewed as much, much more….

A “psychic,” Edgar Cayce, claimed that Atlantis was the size of a continent, and lay between the Azores and the Bahamas. Its people were highly evolved – having ships and aircraft powered by “Energy Crystals.”

(Unfortunately for Cayce, continental drift has proved that there cannot have been a continent in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean in the geologically recent past.)

Others have suggested sites such as within the Mediterranean Sea, Antarctica, the Indian Ocean and the Pacific Ocean…. lots of speculation, but no evidence that Atlantis was anything other than a legend.

Until now, that is, with the discovery of the Power Crystals!! Although you and I may see them as simple quartz, quite pretty, but nothing special, the Past-Life Atlanteans believe they can be used for healing, and to store information and energy.

Atlanteans apparently used them to transmit audio and video over great distances, just like modern day television! They used crystals to communicate with God, and to heal their Aura. The misuse of these powerful crystals led to the downfall of Atlantis – so be VERY careful when you put it down on its little pink cushion, don’t bump it whatever you do!

Life Technology can create their own Power Crystals by “incorporating the toroidal power of implosion, orgone energy, phi harmonics, tensor fields, sonics and ultrasonics, visible and invisible light spectrum energy and most crucially a unique energy template within the crystalline matrix of the Atlantean Power Crystal.

These crystals supposedly have the power to:

  • heal and recharge the human electromagnetic field
  • emit neutrinos, enabling the correction of intracellular frequencies (Bollocks. Neutrinos are only emitted by radioactive decay or nuclear reactions, and penetrate straight through matter without interaction – they certainly won’t interact with the cells of the human body)
  • enable centrifugal reorganisation of the chakras
  • dissipate harmful cosmic rays from outer space
  • make food more nutritious and water positively energised
  • send and receive love and light
  • give access to the universal language of the body of light, for bilocation, translation and multilocation functions (WHAT does that actually MEAN???)

The list goes on and on, and each claim is more fantastic than the last. What is missing is any evidence that any of this really happens (except in the mind of the reincarnated Atlantean)

One of these is Archangel Metatron, Lord of Light! (Exclamation mark is his.) He claims that 2008 began the unlocking of the great Atlantean Crystals, held for over 12 000 years in dimensional seal within the magnetic complex of Arkansas. They will align with other sleeping crystals all over the Americas, and many have already come to live within this crystalline vortex which will be fully in place THIS YEAR! Yes folks, 2012! the Guardians of Sirius B are preparing for you to join them….

The man obviously belongs in a padded cell…. It’s all completely made-up Bullshit of the highest order. If you manage to read it all the way to the end without your head exploding, I’ll send you a lollipop 🙂

SLIGHTLY less bonkers is Crystal Wings where your Crystal Companion is waiting for you. Powerful tools for healing and transformation, Ruby Lavender Quartz, resonates with your High Heart Chakra, resonates with the Seventh Spiritual Ray (a unique frequency and quality of the Divine,) brings in the Divine Feminine (passive, intuitive, receptive – it would be wouldn’t it.) and carries a Trinity of Colour.

The Temple Baby, a big pointy, faceted pink crystal will set you back a mere $800. A small price to pay in the pursuit of spiritual ascension and divine purpose!

If you prefer to carry your cosmic ray deflector around your neck, a Ruby Lavender Quartz pendant in a 14 carat gold setting will also empty your bank account of $800. They’re not shy are they?

2012 promises to be quite a year, by all accounts: If we don’t all get wiped out by the non-existent planet Niburu which is currently “hiding behind the Sun”, the Magick Crystals will cause a portal to open up to a new dimension, maybe all the way to Sirius B.

Those of us whose elevator goes all the way to the top floor can relax. Be assured, these portents of disaster are no more likely than all those that have come (and gone) before.